I have no interest in going to China, that’s been made final. What I do have interest in is eating a large piece of cake and earning enough money so that I can buy a new set of razors and thus put and end to my legs constantly feeling like dried gooseskin. Lucky my fictional boyfriend, Keith, is one of them “women’s libbers”

Dear cyst-of-a-human,

You are worthless !

You are a clueless girl-shaped mound of flesh that incompetence seems naturally drawn to, like a cottonmouth snake to a mouse, painstakingly crafted from marzipan, designed to bewilder the snake.

Oprah would have a hard time finding your positives.

I can only suppose that your life purpose (keeping your skin youthful) has been matched by your brain: it has failed to develop beyond the partial reasoning of a 9 year old.

I would prefer that someone rub damp newspaper on my gums than be around you.

You must cease discussing your plans for “being an excellent wife” and “how wonderfully accepting the women in my family are towards their husbands” because it makes me want to force-eject my womb and then begin my new life disconnected to you (by gender, as I am now ) by kicking you hard in the ribs with Rebecca West hardcover books taped to my feet.

Also, give me my watch back.

this reminds me how, even if my own life is now spending its’ 4th year down the toilet, I can always live vicariously through someone with a head size disproportionate to their body.

FINALLY! PENS FOR MY GENDER

body glitter for the belly button.

flares that flare out to reveal a second flare.

beaded chokers.

overall wardrobe theme: a twice-divorced 41 year old white woman wants a change - but not a radical change, no body glitter on the neck or ankles, or anything - so her colleagues at the solar hot water heater call centre finally sit up and take notice. Not her face, because water cooler talk established that she most resembles a boiled egg. Coincidentally, that’s the only thing she knows how to cook without a microwave.

But there’s a sassy teen in there, just dying to get out.

Because when you want to blend in on the ocean, your best bet is always a seamless army green colour. This kind of military intelligence makes nuclear war look like a jovial old man in a scarf. Big W clearly infiltrated the North Korean defence office and discovered their ultimate weapon, which doubles as an ideal gift for boys aged 8-14.

of writing this blog.

p.s. always put your contacts in before you chop onions and chile. Never after.

(my fictional boyfriend) Keith bought me a coffee today. I was all, “you are so romantic, Keith. This reminds me of that bit in Pride and Prejudice when Mr Darcy remembers that Elizabeth takes soy!”

(throw the hot coffee in his face for caring)